Ugh and Grr

A desire to write overwritten by an overwhelming desire to write?

It's not that I don't want to write more often. I do. As a matter of fact, I write something every day. It's just not always blog worthy. Or, to be honest, it's not postable on this blog. The blog I post it on requires me to trust you. Do I?

I have a lot going on right now. School is about to start up again. I have a race calendar to finish planning. I have races to start training for. I have Ironman Texas to be excited about and plan for. I'm trying to organize people to start a bodywork cooperative. My kids won't stop growing. My husband won't stop husbanding.

And my brain won't stop flying.

Is it over yet?

I'm so over 2010.

Between family drama, a car accident and the midterm for Intro to New Testament, my brain is fried. No kidding. Fried. And I'm getting sick. And I have my first half mary creeping up on my ass that I'm totally unprepared for. And I want to race more, but don't have the money. And how many other things do I want/need to do but don't have the money?

Some days I don't want to do school anymore. Not because it's hard. Because it's time consuming. I'm struggling with "am I doing the right thing". Should I just stay home and be a housewife? Or drum up business and actually work? I'm conflicted. Recent events are weighing me down and I'm starting to feel stuck.

Screw you, 2010

Today was horrible. As a matter of fact, this whole week has been rough. To the point where I'm ready to crawl in a hole or a cave until next year. Fight-or-flight is in full effect. And it shows no signs of letting go anytime soon.
I need some time off/away.

I'm trying

I've been holding you for so long that I don't have any idea how to let you go.
Not even a little. My instinct is to hold you tight and close forever.
The day will be here all too soon that I have to let you go and do your thing.
I'm doing my best to let you learn the lessons you have to learn, but I need you to be patient and
to understand that it's not easy to let go of the first most awesome thing in the world.
You are my baby. My first born.
You are more important to me than me.

Blargh

I want my brain back. I can't seem to get a grasp on it and keep it. I seem to only be able to use it for short bursts of time before my thoughts drift off into "what's next?".

I have a psych test I've not studies for. Completely not like me. I always study for psych. I considered not even showing up for this test and just letting whatever I get on my final stand in for today's test. But that's not who I am. I'll try to study between classes. And probably in NT class (I don't dig the bible stories anyway).

This sucks.

Remembering vs. Reliving

I know where I was.

I have a vague idea of what I was doing.

I remember who told me.

I remember the rest of the day.

And the next.

I will never forget.

But I don't want to relive.

Please don't ask me.

You'll think I'm an asshole when I sigh and give you that look.

I lived on Cape Cod.

My husband was a Coastie.

The jets came from our base.

Our base was on lockdown.

A guy tried to ram the gate.

I kept my oldest son home from school.

I was scared.

Horrified.

Disbelieving.

The facts that came later were just as bad.

I don't want to talk about it.

I'll never forget.

I believe in honoring the dead every day.

What I don't believe in is reliving that day because that is a pain that is bigger than me.

That pain, for me, spans more than a day.

Or a week.

I REMEMBER.

RELIVING is too much.

A smile

I passed a girl in the hallway Tuesday. She was sitting on the floor, head bent doing some sort of reading/writing thing with a book and a notebook in her lap. She picked up her phone and looked at it's little screen when I was about 4 steps from her. A smile suddenly erupted across her face and an attractive girl was suddenly made irresistible. I couldn't help but smile myself as I continued walking by.

Fall 2010

Well, now that I've had all 5 classes, here are my impressions:

* Reading an entire chapter about the parts of a computer and basic concepts is not exciting material. It took me at least 15 minutes to finally settle down and do that assignment.

* I still don't like math and I'm not even at college level algebra yet. Yuck.

* I like English. Until I have to walk from the garage to the theater in the rain. Then I'll probably not like it so much. No blog required this semester which is good and bad.

* Being put in alphabetical order when you're a grown up is annoying. Which is why I didn't speak up when my name was missed. At least I'm in the back row.

* I'm not sure how I'll keep Simon Peter, Paul and Saul straight. Forget everyone else.

* For psych I have the same instructor *thumbs up* in a different classroom, but managed to still sit in the same seat *double thumbs up*.

* Kids fresh out of high school range from mildly interesting to completely annoying. I'm getting old.

* I'm suspicious of people who are so pale their almost transparent. Probably because my teenager is like that. Not sure if I can trust you people.

* Parking sucks and getting out of the parking lot is even worse. I can't wait for people to start dropping so there will be more parking.

Wanna have a party?

This song has quickly become my favorite. I can't get enough of it. It's funny and thought-provoking. Yes, it is. Stop arguing with me.
"Now can I get that lapdance?"

Hurricanes

I was checking my facebook and mentioned that a friend of mine appears to be experiencing hurricane force winds out on Block Island. My 10 year old then asked if Katrina or Andrew was the worse storm in terms of total destruction.
I love having smart, curious kids.

Fall 2010

Fall semester starts tomorrow. I'm quietly excited. I'll have "something" to do. You know, other than swim, bike, run or sit on my butt.
So my first day back will be CIS (some computer junk) and Algebra. Uh, 110. I'm slow. Someday I'll be big enough to do college algebra. ;)
Trying to work out a new schedule in my head. For working out, duh. I still have a half marathon to train for and I want to keep swimming. Swimming is good. I love the water and want to be... A natural. That doesn't really make sense, does it? I'm sort of a natural. I just need to learn how to breathe properly and I'm good to go.
Too bad I'm not a sperm whale. Those things can hold their breath for an hour. That would rock.

Hmm, okay

Someone on Twitter told me a couple of weeks ago that I am the female equivalent of the Dos Equis guy. I see that as a ginormous honor. If all commercials were like the Dos Equis or the E*Trade baby ads, life would be grand.
Wish I knew what I said that he thought was so awesome. I'd write a book.

College For All? Experts Say Not Necessarily

College For All? Experts Say Not Necessarily

I don't think college is for everyone. Or maybe it's just not for everyone when they're 18 or 19 years old. Had I gone to college at that age, I would have majored in accounting or business administration. How lame is that? There's no way I could have been happy crunching numbers all day. There's a good chance I would have had to tell myself daily not to pick up an ice pick, stick it in my ear and swirl it around to scramble my brain so I wouldn't have to sit in anymore meetings.No matter what kind of money I made. That's not who I am at all. But if I had graduated high school and been able to attend Patricia Stevens like I THOUGHT I wanted, I would have been so miserable.
I was raised to plug along, do the right thing. Hating your job meant nothing. Well, that's not true. I think it means you drink a lot to escape or to dull the pain you endure everyday as little pieces of you die every single day. So being raised that way, I bet I would have stayed in whatever job I secured after college. Gross!
Now I'm a massage therapist and full time college student. Some people get confused because they know how much I love what I do. Apparently, that means I can't broaden my horizons, as they say. Here comes the hippie: I don't feel like massage therapy is the end game for me. I feel that a deeper knowledge and understanding of psychology will enhance what I'm already doing. Yes, my decision to go to college was based on a gut feeling.
Where was I going with this? Oh yeah. The point is, I had no idea who I was at 18. Most people don't. In fact, if an 18 year old told me they knew who they were and they knew exactly who and what they wanted to be for the rest of their life, I'd call them a liar.
So while I understand that there are many jobs that people won't even be considered for without a degree, there are just as many that make people happy and fulfilled that don't care if you've ever heard of college.

Arizona REALLY doesn't want me to visit

Arizona Ethnic Studies Law Signed By Governor Brewer, Condemned By UN Human Rights Experts

Why is it okay for schools to teach their STATE history, but it's not okay to teach kids about other cultures? I'm willing to bet that enrollment in these classes in not limited to people belonging to the ethnicity being taught in a particular program. I'm pretty sure that my Caucasian child would be allowed to take a Mexican heritage or Mexican literature course. Why not? And why is it "the man" (in this case, LITERALLY a man) gets so ruffled when an attempt is made to make curriculum more accurate (there IS a history of oppression here, folks) and well rounded?

Ha!

I hate meetings

It's good I have a no booze, drugs or homicide policy before 9 am.

I'm proud of myself. I was nice. I didn't kill anyone or give them dirty looks. Thank god Naedawg brought me coffee. She may have saved the planet today.

4 Weeks Gone

Wow, it's already time for a blog reflection? Time sure flies when you're trying to survive your first semester of college. Looks like I'm going to make it out alive.

I like blogging. Correction: I love blogging. Maybe that makes me weird, but that's okay.

Blogging gets things out of my head which makes it very useful in my life. That's primarily what I use it for outside of this class. There were some posts that I didn't post here because they were just too much. They aren't about me, but they give the reader an uncensored view into what I'm really thinking. Those posts might... bother some people. The reaction to "I'd rather shoot people than animals" was pretty comical. My classmates looked genuinely disturbed. I can only imagine if they read some of my other stuff.

I never did get regular at it because I didn't have a lot of time. I would think of something to write about, but by the time I got to a computer, the thought left me. You may be wondering why I didn't use the creative writing prompts. That would be because I forgot. Could I have done better? Maybe. A few times I wrote ideas or whole blogs on my iPhone and then would upload them to my blog. I liked being able to type out my journal instead of writing it out long hand. I'm even less regular about writing if I have to type it out long hand.

I plan to continue working on fluency over the summer. I've really enjoyed some of the writing we've done in class and for assignments. Free-writing is probably my favorite method. Again, why didn't I do that more often? Life happened. Over the summer my training is going to pick up and I'm sure I'll have a lot more to write about.

May Day 5K

I thought I had written more posts this week. Odd. Oh well. It's been a busy week.

Ran the May Day 5K, "Run For the Veterans" yesterday here in Republic. It was fun. The course was an out and back in a residential area that was very well marked and manned by volunteers. The start was typical. I started in the middle of the pack as usual. There was a bit of a bottle neck as we transitioned from the road by the fitness center to the walking/running/cycling path. I don't think anyone got hurt, but I definitely was not liking the temporary "herd" feeling.

Realized real quick that the field was pretty fast. Mike said he started to worry because so many people were finishing and they still didn't see me. Then he realized the clock was no where NEAR my projected finish. That's the way it goes.

I kept it steady, worked on some things I've been having issues with on my training runs and tried to have fun. I did. Ha, around mile 2, there was this old guy standing out on his driveway with some sort of organ thing on a stand. He was turning a crank and it was making music. Not that I could really hear it over Static X. I thought it was pretty neat, though.

Official time: 00:33:28
Pace: 10:45/mile

Good: I had fun, worked on my breathing and staying relaxed. The proceeds for this race are going to build a Veteran's memorial here in Republic and to the Cox Fitness scholarship program.
Also Good: I weighed myself before the race... I lost 5 pounds last week. Whoot!
Bad: My left foot betrayed me near the end and started turning out to the left which took some power away from my push. Definitely caused some wasted energy there. Also bad, I was wearing a pink race belt with a red shirt. Ha! I know. I'm definitely not a fashion plate.

I should mention that my husband, kids, mother-in-law and neighbors all did the 1 mile Fun run/walk. :) I was proud of all of them for participating. My youngest ran the whole mile with the girl next door and was pretty stoked. I think he's hooked on running now which is awesome.

Where's the "off" switch?

What the French, toast? I'm WIRED!! I have no idea why. At like 8:30 I was winding down and thought it was later than it was. I folded laundry, took a shower, made my lunch and prepped smoothie stuff for tomorrow. Then, out of nowhere, I'm hyper. Gah! My brain is racing with ridiculous half thoughts. Well, not ALL ridiculous. Here's what I'm thinking:
• I refuse to erase Jen's text messages until she comes home safe. If my phone screws up and I lose them, maybe I'll just sue Apple. Or implement my hunting plan.
• does melatonin really work? And how much would be "too much"? And what HAPPENS if you take "too much"?
• that lady sings kinda nice (I'm listening to Newshour from like 2 or 4 days ago)
• how pissed would Hubs be if I lost my shit and started poking him while he's trying to fall asleep?
• that's just silly because Hubs is uber medicated and doesn't really give a shit. He'd probably laugh at me because that's all he CAN do at this point.
• the teenager talked religion with his grandmother this evening. Will there be fallout? Meh.
• a sex scandal in Bruges? 'In Bruges' was a great movie and I love Colin Ferrell. *puuuurrrr* Ha, my thoughts are scandalous. Too soon? Okay.
• I ran pretty okay today. Wonder if it's because I was listening to that Jesus podcast. Don't freak out (if you know me)... I'm still not buying it
• I wanna go to Ireland
• sometimes I miss TX but then I don't. I need new adventures
• I need to go out to the farm soon. I miss my favorite magical family
• I'm excited about the 5k on Saturday. Am I the only one not whining that it's probably gonna rain? Ooooohhhh I hope it's a cool shirt
• I think The Hooker is right... That fire can't be put out...
• Arizona is stupid
• I need to win the lottery
• damn I forgot to write a blog for English. That damn worksheet frustrated me. Probably because I'm an over-achiever baahahaha! I'm not. Really.
• I should play a game

*NOTE* I'm including the photo below because I like it. That's all. It has nothing to do with anything. But it's fluffy.

Not again

Someone I have become very close to has informed me they are moving. Away from me. Far away. To Oregon. And while I understand her reasoning, I worry. I've never moved without a plan. I worry that hers won't be what she hopes it will be. I want her to be happy and to thrive and be the person she wants to be. But coming so quickly on the heels of my sister-in-law deploying, I'm afraid I'm already not dealing well with this news.
I already feel deserted.
The only possibly good thing about this for ME is that I may get some art if she can't sell it or take it with her.
I'd rather have HER.