A little contraction action

Ain't ain't a word.

Can't never could do nothin'.

Those are two things I remember hearing frequently growing up. They are really not important here, but they kept popping into my thoughts over the last few days due to an English challenge. I suppose it was an assignment, but it was so hard I have decided it is more of a challenge than just an assignment.

*I feel it is necessary to say right here that it is taking all I have in me not to put some words in quotation marks for emphasis. ;)*

Do not use slang for 48 hours or do not use contractions for 48 hours.

I thought I was being so smart. I chose not to use contractions. Me being the me that I am, meaning I am what you might call a virtual social butterfly, tweeted this assignment as I walked out of the Gillioz. I neglected to make it clear I was to choose one or the other and Austin from Ireland quickly replied "dead on I'm in fo dat" and "and mos def no contractions sho nuff". Another person asked me if "Hmmmm" was Internet/text slang while yet another person replied "is not the term 'slang' in and of itself slang?" Good question. Obviously I had to tweet a correction to clarify I was to choose one.

"I wasn't clear. Either no contractions or no slang. I choose no contractions."

Yes. Fail. Austin, being the lovely chum he is, quickly came back at me.

"you just failed"

An accidental tweet of "gotcha" won me a response of "you suck at this" from Austin even though I was not even talking to him at the time. One of the reasons I adore Twitter.

I failed at this. I really thought it would be easier than not to use contractions than slang. I may have been wrong. It is hard enough to not use contractions in print, but twenty times as hard in speaking. Oh my goodness. In typing/texting, I felt like a robot. I am not at all a formal person and I like to talk fast. I don't mean I necessarily have a fast cadence to my speech, but that I like to keep it moving. Do you have any idea how many words are contractions? A lot. More than you realize.

So give it a try. Good luck. And don't invite Austin to monitor you. You will want to buy a plane ticket to Ireland to let him know just how much you appreciate his inner grammar hound. ;)

A Dude/Man Named Boo

3/12 Assignment: Use as many of the slang words the class came up with to write a story. So, here it is...

A Dude Named Boo

In a fantabulous far away land, there lived a dude. A dude named Boo. Boo was a ginormous juicehead who liked to get wasted. He totally stayed away from the cancer sticks, though because they were a total bummer, yo. Smoking cancer sticks made him yack all over the place. Boo first started swelling up in the Army from having to hike up and down mountains in full battle rattle. That will bulk a guy up, fo’ sho’.
Boo was a cracker jack lifter and wicked good tanner just like is broseph, Spanks. Spanks was from Texas and had this sweet habit of saying “yee-haw!” after a sick workout. Spanks was a huge goober, but Boo like the way he talked trash. If they stuck together there’s no way they would ever get smushy.
Boo’s girlfriend, Kitty, spent her days surfing tubular curls. Spanglish was her native tongue and Boo loved it. Everytime he saw her he thought, “Schwing!” and he felt a little funny. Sometimes he called her Boo Boo instead of Kitty but if she was sad he would call her Boo Boo Kitty because of the way she would stick out her sick bottom lip and pout.
Kitty was always trying to get Boo to lay off the booze and find more natural highs. She wanted him to chill with her without that toxic crap in him. Finally, she had enough and let him have it when he came to pick her up from the beach.
“’Sup, Kitty? Fun today?”
“Don’t you ‘sup me, boy. You’re wasted on shnazberry wine, aren’t you? Been hanging out with your homies straight drinkin’ all day, huh? Probably at Spanks’ apartment that smells oh so rank.”
“Holy shitaake, Boo Boo Kitty! Now you goin’ all church on me? Dang. And I was gonna take you out to that new sushi joint, too.”
“Psshhh. No you wasn’t, fool! You planned to sit around all night watching TV until that mac-attack hits and you roll out for some nasty burgers.”
“Bull honkey! I was totally taking you out. Fo’ shizzle! I already made reservations! I’m not drunk, woman!”
“For real? Dang. I’m sorry. My bad.”
“No worries, Boo Boo Kitty. I know you get bent because you love me. Now get in the cream corn car, girl.”
“Oh snap! Okay. But no shenanigans!”

3/15 Assignment: Now translate your slang story.

A Man Named Boo

In a far away land, there lived a man. A man named Boo. Boo was a rather large, bulky man and quite obviously enhanced by steroids. He originally bulked up when he was in the Army, mostly due to hiking so many miles in full tactical gear.

Among Boo’s numerous addictions were drinking to excess, weight lifting and tanning, and he usually did these things with his best friend, Spanks. Spanks was from Texas and amused Boo to no end. They always worked out together because neither of them could stand the idea of not having what they defined as perfectly muscled bodies.

Boo also had a girlfriend, Kitty, who spent her days surfing. Due to her Hispanic heritage, Kitty spoke an interesting mix of Spanish and English that was music to Boo’s ears. He loved Kitty very much and just seeing her would improve his day by leaps and bounds. He had nicknames for her, and which one he used would depend on her mood. If she was sad, she would pout which is why he sometimes called her Boo Boo Kitty.

Kitty loved Boo and wanted him to take better care of himself. She tried to teach him healthy, alternative highs, but he was having none of it. One day, she finally had enough and started a fight with him when he picked her up from the beach.

“Hi, Kitty. Did you have fun surfing today?”
“Don’t ‘Hi’ me. You’re drunk aren’t you? Have you been at Spanks’ smelly apartment drinking with your friends all day?”
“Why are you being this way, Kitty? I came to pick you up and take you to dinner at the new sushi restaurant.”
“I doubt that. It seems more likely you planned to sit at home all night watching television and eating McDonald’s.”
“Kitty, I promise you, I am not drunk and I already made reservations at the sushi restaurant for us.”
“You promise? Really? I’m sorry, Boo.”
“It’s okay, Kitty. I know you love me and worry about you. Now get in the car so we can go to dinner, okay?”
“Okay, Boo.”